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Cgu, ank sy dlm thn 5 dan lmh dlm sub sains.. Sy amat ssh hati krn thn dpn dia pula akan mnduduki upsr. sy mncari2 tips utk sy praktikkn pd ank sy dan di ruangan ini sy temui segalanya.. Ats usaha cgu ini sy mndpt bnyk pengetahuan.. Terima kasih ats usaha cgu semoga diberkati segala ilmu yg dikongsikan brsama... (ummiS 8sept11 12.14am) Klik
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|online education degrees|
About 5000 years ago today in ancient Egypt, thousands of people were building pyramids for their King. As we all know, at that time there was no machine. Then you will wonder how could they carry so many huge stones? How could they create such splendid pyramids? How could they create such a miracle? Well, the answer is the wheel. Wheel makes everything possible.
So in my eyes wheel is the greatest invention. Maybe you will challenge me, heel is so common that everybody takes it for granted. Why do you think is the greatest invention?? Actually, wheel has been playing an important role in every aspect of people life from antiquity to today.
As everyone knows, wheel makes traveling much easier. In ancient time, people traveled on foot. It wasted too much time. People often felt very tired. And also I think it a damage to the shoes. Dont you think so? Then a clever man thought of the wheel and the horse. He put them together, and the first cart was born. It saved time and stamina as well.
Last edited by alphawaves on Sun Oct 19, 2008 10:35 pm; edited 1 time in total
So in my eyes wheel is the greatest invention. Maybe you will challenge me,“wheel is so common that everybody takes it for granted. Why do you think is the greatest invention?” (4) Actually, wheel has been playing an important role in every aspect of people’s life from antiquity to today.
As everyone knows, wheel makes traveling much easier. In ancient time, people traveled on foot. It wasted too much time. People often felt very tired. And also I think it’s a damage to the shoes (5). Don’t you think so? Then a clever man thought of the wheel and the horse. He put them together, and the first cart was born. It saved time and stamina (6) as well.
This composition is very well organized, making it easy to read and very clear. It also has good sentence structure with only very minor problems. However, for this composition, I would have to give the writer a zero. Why? Read my comments below.
(1) This expression suggests that it was "about" 5000 years ago compared to this date exactly. We don't really know what they were doing in September of the year 3005 B.C., so the writer should drop "today".
(2) Of course, this should be "there were no machines".
(3) This is good. The writer uses the general expression "the wheel". However, this should be used EVERY time, not just once.
(4) This is where the composition fails. The writer is simply putting up a straw horse and will then knock it down. This is much too easy. Instead of making such a weak statement and arguing against it, the writer should defend his premise against the best argument he can think of. For example, as you can see in the revised composition, the writer could consider other great inventions, such as the printing press or the computer chip, and show that the wheel is still the greatest.
(5) We don't say "it's a damage" in English, and I suspect walking all the time affected more than just shoes. Maybe the writer could say something like "this also caused many problems for people's feet".
(6) We can save time and we can save energy, but we can't save stamina.
Can you get the pictures? Hope this will benefit to all english students. cheer!